It's like that

AA Gill reviews the Spanish restaurant El Bulli, in The Sunday Times:

Food on paper is only ever an approximation of food in the mouth, and it relies on a shared experience, and if you haven’t eaten here, you haven’t had the experience.

Well, yes... but by that reasoning, isn't all criticism essentially pointless?

Postmodern pleading

Just to disprove the notion that Ulster Protestants have no sense of humour:

The defence case of Michael Stone, accused of attempting to kill Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness in 2006, has raised eyebrows in political, legal and artistic circles alike. On the face of it, his claim that his actions constituted "performance art" is an attempt to claim kinship with those, such as the Dadaists and Situationists, who have sought to blur the boundaries between art and political protest...

Follow this link for the journalistic equivalent of one of those end-of-terrace murals.

Your 100 best tunes (or not)

I rather thought that memes had gone horribly out of fashion, until Kek-W kicked off his take-a-passing-fancy-for-a-blindfolded-walk 10cc Top Ten idea. The gist of it was that you didn't actually need to provide a 10cc Top Ten; simply something that began with the notion of a 10cc Top Ten. It was the thought processes he was after, not whether anyone would be brave enough to admit they loved 'Dreadlock Holiday'.

(Brief conceptual aside... If we're doing the free-form, rhizomatic thing, is this a new meme, or is it a continuation of Kek's orginal meme? In fact, are all blog memes simply a continuation of the first time one blogger asked another blogger to do something, then pass it on? Are they all part of one vast MemeBorg, neither collective nor individual? Oh, just nod, I'm not a stalker or anything.)

What I've done is to list my 100 favourite choonz, as young people probably no longer say. I tried not to think too hard, simply jotting them down until I got to a hundred, then stopping; as a result, I now disagree intensely with about 10% of the inclusions, but there it is. I'm surprised to see that Camera Obscura haven't made an appearance; and there's nothing from the Two-Tone stable. No T. Rex, no XTC, no De La Soul, no Buddy Holly, no Nurse With Wound, no Louis Jordan, no Siouxsie, no Ian Dury. I feel as if I should be writing letters of apology to a few people.

Random as it was, I did stick to a few self-imposed rules. No artist could have more than one song on the list; indeed, if a performer played a prominent role in more than one act, only one of those acts could appear. (So the presence of Pink Floyd prohibits the inclusion of any Syd Barrett solo stuff; Mark E. Smith's shouty bit at number 31 means The Fall are disqualified). No song could appear in two different versions, although strangely, there are three different songs with the same title, and two more with a very similar title to that. And no classical music, because that raises too many questions about what specifically it is that you're selecting (A whole symphony? A movement? The twiddly bit from that lager advert?) and issues of attribution. (Are the Goldberg Variations 'by' Bach or 'by' Glenn Gould?)

But none of that need concern you. What I want is not necessarily your 100 fave platters with the above restrictions, although if that's what happens, that's fine. It's what you concoct on your own blogs in response to this, and what happens afterwards.

Anyroad up, here's the list:

1. Abba, 'The Winner Takes It All'
2. Air, 'Playground Love'
3. Al Green, 'How Do You Mend A Broken Heart?'
4. Aretha Franklin, 'Don’t Play That Song'
5. Associates, 'Those First Impressions'
6. Beach Boys, 'God Only Knows'
7. Beatles, 'Happiness Is A Warm Gun'
8. Beck, 'Totally Confused'
9. Belle and Sebastian, 'The State I Am In'
10. Blur, 'You’re So Great'
11. Bo Diddley, 'Who Do You Love?'
12. Bob Dylan, 'I Want You'
13. Buzzcocks, 'Love You More'
14. Chavela Vargas, 'Paloma Negra'
15. Chic, 'I Want Your Love'
16. Creedence Clearwater Revival, 'Traveling Band'
17. Darlene Love, 'Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)'
18. David Bowie, 'Be My Wife'
19. Dolly Parton, 'I Will Always Love You'
20. Drifters, 'Save The Last Dance For Me'
21. Duke Special, 'Last Night I Nearly Died'
22. Dusty Springfield, 'I Close My Eyes And Count To Ten'
23. Ella Fitzgerald, 'How High The Moon'
24. Elvis Costello, 'I Want You'
25. Flaming Lips, 'Do You Realize?'
26. Françoise Hardy, 'Comment Te Dire Adieu?'
27. Frank Sinatra, 'One For My Baby'
28. Go! Team, 'Everyone’s A VIP To Someone'
29. Guillemots, 'Trains To Brazil'
30. Ink Spots, 'Don’t Get Around Much Any More'
31. Inspiral Carpets w/ Mark E Smith, 'I Want You'
32. Jackie Mittoo, 'Get Up And Get It'
33. Jackson Five, 'I Want You Back'
34. Jacques Brel, 'Ne Me Quitte Pas'
35. Jane, 'It’s A Fine Day'
36. Jesus & Mary Chain, 'Just Like Honey'
37. John Holt, 'Ali Baba'
38. Johnny Cash & June Carter, 'Jackson'
39. Judy Street, 'What'
40. Kinks, 'Victoria'
41. Lorraine Ellison, 'Stay With Me'
42. Lovin’ Spoonful, 'Darling Be Home Soon'
43. Magnetic Fields, 'How Fucking Romantic'
44. Maher Shalal Hash Baz, 'Post Office'
45. Mamas & the Papas, '12.30 (Young Girls Are Coming To The Canyon)'
46. Manic Street Preachers, 'Faster'
47. Marvin Gaye, 'Too Busy Thinkin’ ‘Bout My Baby'
48. Maurice and Mac, 'You Left The Water Running'
49. Moldy Peaches, 'Nothing Came Out'
50. Nancy Sinatra & Lee Hazlewood, 'Summer Wine'
51. Neil Innes, 'How Sweet To Be An Idiot'
52. Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds, 'Into My Arms'
53. Nirvana, 'All Apologies'
54. Otis Redding, 'Shake'
55. Pet Shop Boys, 'Your Funny Uncle'
56. Pink Floyd , 'Jugband Blues'
57. Pixies, 'Debaser'
58. Pizzicato Five, 'Twiggy Twiggy'
59. Pogues, 'Rainy Night In Soho'
60. Primal Scream, 'Star Fruit Surf Rider'
61. Prince, 'Temptation'
62. Prince Buster, 'Girl Why Don’t You Answer'
63. Pulp, 'Babies'
64. Radiohead , 'Climbing Up The Walls'
65. Ramsey Lewis Trio, 'Wade In The Water'
66. Randy Newman, 'I Think It’s Going To Rain Today'
67. Rascals, 'Good Lovin’'
68. Rolling Stones, 'You Can’t Always Get What You Want'
69. Roxy Music, 'Remake Remodel'
70. Sebadoh, 'Willing To Wait'
71. Sex Pistols, 'Pretty Vacant'
72. Shirelles, 'Baby It’s You'
73. Shonen Knife, 'Top Of The World'
74. Simon Dupree and the Big Sound, 'Kites'
75. Sister Rosetta Tharpe, 'This Train'
76. Small Faces, 'All Or Nothing'
77. Smiths, 'You Just Haven’t Earned It Yet Baby'
78. Smokey Robinson and the Miracles, 'I Second That Emotion'
79. Soft Cell, 'Say Hello Wave Goodbye'
80. Son House, 'John The Revelator'
81. Standells, 'Dirty Water'
82. Stereolab, 'French Disko'
83. Stooges, 'I Wanna Be Your Dog'
84. Sugarcubes, 'Birthday'
85. Super Furry Animals, 'God! Show Me Magic'
86. Swan Silvertones, 'Trouble In My Way'
87. Sylvian/Sakamoto, 'Forbidden Colours'
88. Temptations, 'I Can’t Get Next To You'
89. Tom Lehrer, 'National Brotherhood Week'
90. Tom Waits , 'Johnsburg, Illinois'
91. Toni Harper, 'Candy Store Blues'
92. Toots & the Maytals, 'Monkey Man'
93. Urusei Yatsura, 'First Day On A New Planet'
94. Velvet Underground, 'The Gift'
95. Vicky Leandros, 'L’Amour Est Bleu'
96. Wah!, 'Come Back'
97. White Stripes, 'In The Cold Cold Night'
98. Willie Nelson, 'Bring Me Sunshine'
99. Wilson Pickett, 'Land Of 1,000 Dances'
100. X-Ray Spex, 'Oh Bondage Up Yours'

Hole in the head

My memory's definitely getting worse. Yesterday, I couldn't remember the name of the woman who played Victor Meldrew's wife; or the capital of Latvia. (Don't write in; they came back eventually.)

The funny thing is, it's not as if I had any need for those facts; I just suddenly became aware of their temporary absence from my mind. It's similar to that jolt of fear when you realise your keys or phone aren't in your pocket, because the weight that you're used to isn't there. A gap makes itself known, like a hole in the brain.

Maybe it's CJD.

Collared

The magnificent Bête de Jour has been running a series of posts under the loose category of 'shame', revisiting those life moments that still bring on an intestinal lurch when they edge too far from the box marked "BLISSFULLY FORGOTTEN".

The Beastly One's posts are superb, hovering somewhere between Dostoevsky, Wodehouse and Adrian Mole, but I think his secondary intent - encouraging his readers to post their own tales of self-imposed humiliation - is doomed to failure. Most of us don't feel able to revisit the true depths of our own social loserdom, unless we're: a) in the safe and confidential confines of a therapist's consulting room; or b) profoundly drunk.

I've touched before on a few past moments where my sang froid got a bit chaud, most of them related to mishaps I've endured while undertaking physical exertion, so I've only really got myself to blame. But, prompted by Bête's badgerings, I've remembered another, from about 10 years ago. It's fairly minor on the face of things, but it still provoked a few sweats, cramps and shudders as it loomed into my consciousness. All that happened is that, getting dressed one morning without properly waking up, I put my jumper on back-to-front, and travelled into work thus attired.

Which wouldn't have mattered that much, except that, as noted by the colleague who finally pointed out the sartorial gaffe, it was a V-neck jumper.

Crispy cream

More thoughts on The Naked Civil Servant. It's a book that's been dwarfed by its adaptation, and by the rentaquote monster that its author became. To an extent, it's also just an excuse to cram in as many bons mots as possible and is rather similar in that respect to Douglas Coupland's JPod; as with Coupland, you can forgive Mr Crisp to an extent because the mots are really rather bons.

Three that I found particularly pertinent, within the space of two pages:

There are three reasons for becoming a writer. The first is that you need the money; the second, that you have something to say that you think the world should know; and the third is that you can't think what to do with the long winter evenings.

He missed out "that you want to turn down Oprah" but otherwise, sound advice. Then:

I now know that if you describe things as better than they are, you are considered to be romantic; if you describe things as worse than they are, you will be called a realist; and if you describe things exactly as they are, you will be thought of as a satirist.

Finally and, to me at least, most pertinently:

Of course the most obvious explanation for my total lack of success was that I was a bad writer. This idea I did not entertain for a moment.

RIP Norman Whitfield

PS: And from the sublime to the egregious (from about 2:29). I've just worked out where Jonathan Ive got the idea for the iMac colour scheme.

VK computer

In which I tell Tim Berners-Lee that he doesn't know what he's talking about.