Monday, March 23, 2009

Goody awful poetry

There has been much gnashing of garments and renting of teeth among the literati about who the next Poet Laureate should be. Gnash not, for I have discovered the perfect candidate. His name is Dermot Byrne, and his application for the post came in the form of a post on the BBC’s Have Your Say forum; specifically, in a thread asking “What is Jade Goody’s legacy?”* Here it is, in full:
Goodnight sweet Jade
Your time has passed
May heaven or hell be filled with your laugh
You may not have been beautiful
You may not have been smart
But like Diana you'll always be in our hearts
What Byrne has done so brilliantly is to create something that has sufficient form that we recognise it as poetry; yet the work contains within it such a dazzling array of technical badness that we start to doubt our frames of reference. “Is this a poem?” becomes “Is anything else a poem?”; in the same way as, when we are confronted with someone of monumental stupidity, we are forced to question how we define humanity. Also, it is possibly unique in the tradition of elegiac verse in that it raises the distinct possibility that the subject might be roasting in eternal, unimaginable torment, thus expressing the mixed responses that the mention of Jade’s name provokes, and doubtless providing great comfort to her family at this difficult time.

In its heartfelt crapness, the poem brilliantly embodies its subject; its seamless blending of form, function and content verges on genius. This makes Dermot Byrne my candidate for the Laureateship.

However, I would also like to draw attention the the contribution from one Maria of New York City, who vouchsafes to us the fact that “I personally think death sucks btw”. How so very true.

* Near enough eight digits, I would have guessed, when you add the book deals, the perfume and the wodge from OK!


Annie said...

I 'wrote a poem' last week to enter into a competition to win 1000 euro because I am broke. It wasn't a very good poem, I don't think, because I'd never written one before. In fact, what I did was take an old blog post and hit 'return' after each comma. Some lines actually rhymed by coincidence. And some didn't. No, I don't think it was a very good poem but if I win a grand I shall let you know.

Rog said...

I could have come up with a better word to rhyme with "smart".

Geoff said...

Was her laugh angelic or diabolic?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Valerie said...

That's an awesome find, Tim. My favorite part is the way he leaves her after-death fate wide open. Though the damning with faint praise warms the cockles as well.

LadyGirl said...

"May heaven or hell be filled with your laugh"

It's almost beautiful.

Doesn't it also describe perfectly the general ambivalence that most people(alright then, me) feel towards Jade Goody?

I love the way that newscasters still continued to refer to her has Jane Goody even on reporting her death.

Anonymous said...

A goodly Critique, able Sir! Tis a fine thing indeed to see that the art of literary criticism lives still.

But Tho’ Death Sucketh

But tho' death sucketh
Doth it not that e'en ducks die too?
'Tit being so, what of't?
Methinks that I shall grin at Mighty Death,
Giving Him fair Grudge
Tho Pudgy Death may be
For feasting on such beastly Gravity.

Am I being mentioned anywhere for Poete Laureate? It is perchance too soon... my time shall come then.

Percy Bisque Silly

Billy said...

Oh no! Alas! Oy vey!
Jade has been taken a way
On this day in two thousand and nine
That will be remembered for a very long time

garfer said...

Dermot is obviously attempting to assume the mantle of the great William Magonagall. Unfortunately his effort falls woefully short on the doggerel front and he may have to lower his sights to the Poet Laureateship.

amyonymous said...

thanks for the info on the book. i assume you have a chapter in it?! i put in my preorder and look forward to it!


Sniffer said...

Can I just recommend the wonderful spEak You’re bRanes website; "A collection of ignorance, narcissism, stupidity, hypocrisy and bad grammar.
All the comments quoted were found on the BBC "Have Your Say" site."

Dick Headley said...

Cool. I think I saw Dermot on X Factor. Was he the one with the spikey hair?