Thursday, June 15, 2006

Eau well

I had the slightly unnerving but entirely enjoyable experience last night of putting some names to faces, as Patroclus (cranberry and soda), Slaminsky (Carlsberg), Wyndham (Scotch and Coke, very early Beatles), Pashmina (can't remember because of the Absolut Citron) and myself (er... Absolut Citron) met to put the worlds to right and bitch about how crap everybody else's blogs are. Apart from the startling discovery that Patroclus is in fact a burly stevedore called Brian, and that Wyndham is a pseudonym for popular and talented TV presenter Davina McCall, there will be no further revelations that might imperil our plan for global domination and the imposition of a consistent style for links.

Except to reveal that no Perrier was consumed, which is a pretty lame connection to the story that Perrier is to stop sponsoring the award ceremony at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. "We felt that it is time for us to explore new opportunities," said the MD of the fizzy water people, which as we all know translates roughly as "Nobody gives a fuck any more so we're cutting our losses." In fact, does anyone drink Perrier any more? Or does it smell too much of large phones and unfeasible shoulderpads?

However, unlike the Booker Prize, which still commemorates its original sponsor after the relationship ended, the awards have been fully renamed to acknowledge the new kids on the block, the considerably less fizzy (but, on the other hand, untainted by associations with Nestle) Intelligent Finance. The awards are to be known as (and I can only just about bring myself to type this) "the if.commedies". Awards director Nica Burns claims that the new name incorporates: "Edinburgh; the name of our new sponsor; the word comedy."

Well, why not call them the Edinburghintelligentfinancecomedy Awards then? It's hardly less crass and unwieldy, is it? Not that it matters, because Ms Burns hopes that the awards will be known as 'the Eddies', the implication being that Eddie is fit to rank alongside Oscar, Tony, Emmy and all the proper awards that people care about.

Now, the important thing about the Oscars is that nobody really knows for sure how they got that nickname. It wasn't a case of spending days cooped up with branding consultants, only to emerge and humbly drop a hint, like Desdemona's snotty Kleenex, that calling them the Oscars might be a nice idea. It just happened. Although, to be fair, if nature were allowed to take its course in this case, we might find the cream of comic talent competing for the Iffies.

P.S. And while we're on the subject of nomenclature gone a bit rubbish, how about a Hall of Fame for musicians that nobody's heard of?

9 comments:

Wyndham said...

Very early Beatles?

Tim Footman said...

It was the Beatles' beverage of choice once they had a bit of cash, before they moved on to other substances. Lennon used to drink it in the Bag o' Nails.

patroclus said...

In the interests of historical accuracy, Pash (who in real life is that bloke who played evil yuppie pub landlord James Wilmot-Brown in Eastenders) was on vodka and tonics.

I think it's supposed to be de rigueur at these events to come up with some sort of 'manifesto', complete with footnotes and footnotes to footnotes. A mission in which we completely failed.

Billy said...

Yeah where's the manifesto?

treespotter said...

very interesting. not that i understand much of it. i feel so uneducated again.

Wyndham said...

So early Beatles, early-late Silver Beatles or very, very late Quarrymen.

First Nations said...

i thought the 'Oscar' was so named because some starlet thought it looked like her buff uncle, a popular tropical fish.

Spinsterella said...

I haven't seen Perrier for years.

I think it's disappeared. Like Blue-Band.

Which you can still get in Sumatra, for some reason.

Tim Footman said...

Patroclus/Billy: A manifesto sounds too much like hard work. Maybe something softer. A wish-list?

Treespotter: The answer to that 'uneducated' feeling is straightforward bullshit. Works for me.

Wyndham: Early Fabs. c. '63-'65.

FN: That's the most likely story. But it's all lost in the mists of time. The point is that it was a spontaneous accident, not a marketing decision.

Spin: Was Blue Band the thing with the Leslie Crowther adverts? Or was that Stork SB?