Tuesday, June 27, 2006

A few questions

1. Is there a special word for that gummy glue used to attach free CDs to the covers of magazines?
2. Where do chunky, florid upper-middle-class men (25-45) who work in the City purchase those puke-yellow corduroy trousers they wear with brown brogues and navy jerseys when they go to the pub for Sunday lunch? Is it the same place old ladies buy their old lady hats?
3. Russell Brand. Can someone explain the attraction? Please?
4. When I receive an e-mail suggesting "Let’s make our ejaculation like steel. You gape for shooting like you had seen in those films…" how am I supposed to react?
5. Am I alone in thinking Ghana could beat Brazil?

21 comments:

patroclus said...

I'm fielding my wv 'zpqbqao' for the first one. It sounds Portuguese, so I'd hazard a guess that it's the primary export of Angola.

Billy said...

For 2, I suspect any old fashioned department store. There aren't many of them left now, so maybe mail order?

Billy said...

Oh and "Let’s make our ejaculation like steel. You gape for shooting like you had seen in those films" shouldn't that be erection like steel? Ejaculating steel would be rather painful I imagine, although maybe useful.

Betty said...

(3) Russell Brand has come to the fore because there always has to be someone in the public eye who irritates everybody, in the same way that there has to be someone really nasty who makes everybody's life a misery in every office, and work is always a lot better when they're on holiday.

(5) I would LOVE Ghana to beat Brazil. I'm sick of hearing commentators slobbering over the "genius" of every every Brazilian player whenever they play.

Tim Footman said...

Patroclus: Sounds good to me. Sap from the ybnzzmzz tree, I guess.

Billy: I looked. Hats, check. But not the keks. French men wear bright red ones, an equivalent mystery. And it is indeed 'ejaculation'. As you suggest, ouch.

Betty: But women seem to want to shag him. Bizarre. The only thing that makes me want Brazil to progress is that, if they don't, the final will be probably be a walkover for Germany or Argentina, provoking a predictable reaction from red-cross emblazoned borderline fascists in white vans.

patroclus said...

>>Ejaculating steel would be rather painful I imagine, although maybe useful.<<

Useful how? Like if you were a superhero and that was one of your superpowers? But wouldn't you have to be really turned on for it to work...meaning you could only effectively defeat enemies who were really beautiful, possibly semi- or fully-undressed women? (Or men, if you were a gay steel-ejaculating superhero).

*goes off to create winning porn superhero comic*

Tim Footman said...

There's already a Japanese superheroine who fires magical beams of light from her intimate regions.

Maybe she should fight your steel-spunking superhero.

Billy said...

"Useful how? Like if you were a superhero and that was one of your superpowers?"

No, you wouldn't have to be a superhero, you'd just be able to do it in certain situations. It would be even better if you could control it so anything resulted from an ejaculation. At the moment I would pick ice-cream.

And for the record, if I had a superpower, I'd choose the power to be able to control the songs crowds of drunk people sing.

patroclus said...

>>Maybe she should fight your steel-spunking superhero. <<

Oh man, imagine it. They're enemies, but they really fancy each other, but they can't get it on, because if they do they'll both die. The sexual tension will be incredible!

Interpreter Pavlov said...

Rust.

(Sorry, rather pushed today. Please work out the implications for yourselves.)

Robert A. Swipe said...

Q1. Is there a special word for that gummy glue used to attach free CDs to the covers of magazines?

A1: Yes, it's called "Mojocuntingjizzflaps. Least that's what I call it when it goes all over my puke-yellow corduroy pants.

Q2. Where do chunky, florid upper-middle-class men (25-45) who work in the City purchase those puke-yellow corduroy trousers they wear with brown brogues and navy jerseys when they go to the pub for Sunday lunch? Is it the same place old ladies buy their old lady hats?

A2: Mine are from Evans outsized for Ladies, Tim. Not sure about the trousers...

Q3. Russell Brand. Can someone explain the attraction? Please?

A3: Explain? No. Assasinate?....

Q4. When I receive an e-mail suggesting "Let’s make our ejaculation like steel. You gape for shooting like you had seen in those films…", how am I supposed to react?

A4: Damn - I thought I'd deleted it

Q5. Am I alone in thinking Ghana could beat Brazil?

A5: (Puts on Derryck Guyler in Please Sir voice:) Oh yes...

Excellent Tim - more quizes please, thank you sir....

treespotter said...

yes, there is, only i can't remember what it's called. i used to work for a magazine publisher. maybe i'll ask if you think that's really important.

why do you ask?

matthew said...

1. Dunno. It's siliconey, so maybe it's silicone glue.
2. M&S (of course!)
3. I can't, as I'm neither a lady nor or the homosexual persuasion. Is it the long hair?
4. You press 'delete', or 'mark as junk/spam', and you do it quickly.
5. Nope. I totally think they can do it, and it would reaffirm my faith in the random brilliance of football. GO GHANA!!!

Wyndham said...

Fans have long debated whether Superman, were he to make love to Lois Lane, would inadvertently kill her because his sperm would also have super-powerful qualities.

Tim Footman said...

I believe the new Superman movie suggests that Ms Lane was receptive to his Kryptojizz, and survived the ordeal.

Pity he wasn't playing for Ghana, though.

Spinsterella said...

Wyndham, are you saying that Superman has never given Lois one?

Anyhow.

Russell Brand.

He has improved my life in one small way. I'd never heard of the nauseating wretched little cunt until he took over the Sunday morning slot on 6music the other week.

He is so unbearable that I just have to turn the radio off in a flurry of disgust, by which stage I'm in such a foul mood that I find myself going to the gym until the coast is clear.

patroclus said...

He could have given her one that time when he temporarily lost his powers, instead of moping about in an ice-cave.

Superman, I mean. Not Russell Brand.

First Nations said...

1. monkeysnot. (really.)
2. JCrew. (really.)

actually i made #1 up.

and i forgot what the rest of them were.

Wyndham said...

P. I believe he did give her one when he lost his powers in the - I believe it's called - Fortress Of Solitude. For years afterwards, I wanted silver sheets.

Spin, as I understand it, Russell Brand is also a nauseating little cunt to work with.

Robert A. Swipe said...

Please, stop it with the Russell Brand baiting. He may well be a "nauseating wretched little cunt" but his horoscopes have very accurately predicted major turning points in my life. I for one don't know where I'd be if that tall, dark starnger hadn't turned up to fellate me in the forecourt of a major London rail terminus while the war sign was in the ascendant and my natual impulsiveness was at its peak....

Billy said...

"I for one don't know where I'd be if that tall, dark starnger hadn't turned up to fellate me in the forecourt of a major London rail terminus."

Which terminus was it Bob? Such a thing has never happened to be at either Paddington, Liverpool Street, Euston or Waterloo.

Maybe the stars were wrong?