Monday, June 16, 2008

Nobody's fooled

As an agnostic heterosexual, I'm surely the best person to pontificate on the subject of gay Christians. Aren't I? Oh well, at least I didn't mention St Sebastian:

Several years ago, I got chatting to a middle-aged gent at a party. For some reason, the conversation got around to the early-80s pop combo Haircut 100, renowned for their Arran sweaters, knickerbockers and fresh-faced grins. My new friend mentioned that he had recently sat behind the band's singer, Nick Heyward, on a plane, and had had great trouble resisting the urge to stroke the nape of his still-boyish neck.

The discussion followed in this vein for some time. The silver-haired charmer was not simply homosexual: he was effusively, dramatically, openly camp, full of gossip and innuendo, often lapsing into well-enunciated polari. Forgive the stereotypes, but I guessed he might be an actor, or maybe the manager of a louche members' club. Until, that is, he glanced at his watch and announced that he'd better be going sometime soon, because he hadn't finished writing tomorrow's sermon...


More tea in the vestry.

12 comments:

llewtrah said...

oooh vicar!

clodhopper said...

agnostic heterosexual blimey, you must be an alien!

FirstNations said...

excellent, tim!

Tim Footman said...

Thanks all.

Funny, I've been off the CiF patch for a couple of weeks. Good to see the nutters are still out in force, not to mention the ones who don't read to the end.

Although some do offer interesting sidelines, such as this link to a Michael Arditti article: "Such men, unlikely to have children of their own, are given an alternative family - albeit one with more than its fair share of maiden aunts."

pleite said...

A nice read, Tim, as ever. I think I agree with one of your (sane) (although, actually, they weren't too badly behaved this time round, were they?) commenters who said the minders mind both the homosexuality and the honesty about it.

In any case, I always think it's a queer - ba-doom-tish - thing to get het - ba-doom-tish - up about. The evidence appears to suggest that gay folk exist and, let's face it, will probably continue to do so. There aren't that many of us. And we're mostly upstanding(ish) members of the community. No doubt anti-gay feeling will also always exist, but it seems such a waste of time. Might as well mind about England's weather.

Murph said...

I read 'agnostic' in the newer sense of 'noncommittal', and am not surprised to learn of your ambivalence to the existence of these so-called 'heterosexuals'.

Reminds me of the expression "he's not actually gay but I think he'd help out if they were short handed".

A gay dog. Ba-doom-tish.

Sniffer said...

Talking of gayness, 80's pop and god-bothering, which ex-member of the Communards is now chaplain to the Royal College of Music? Hint; it's not the one who had the ginger crew cut.

Tim Footman said...

Upstanding, Pleite? F-naar.

This what you mean, Murph?

Sniffer: he's also shaping up to be a replacement Ned Sherrin on R4.

9/10ths Full of Penguins said...

There's nothing like sex to get us religous types all of a kerfuffle (oo-errr).

For some reason, it seems to make a little trip switch in our brains explode and stop us seeing reason.

You're quite right when you say that Jesus spent more time being unhappy with hypocrisy and injustice than he ever did about sex. That was Paul's bag...

As it were....

Charles Frith said...

Thought an agnostic hetero was you claiming to be neither here nor there at first!

"he's not actually gay but I think he'd help out if they were short handed". ... Brilliant.

Tim Footman said...

Always think Paul is to the Christians what Stalin is to the Marxists, 9/10. The one who makes them say, "yeah, but we're not all like that, y'know."

Neither here nor there, Charles? Transcendental yet omnipresent. Maybe I really am the resurrection...

I, like the view, still said...

I went to the same school as Nick Heywood

I'm sure that's relevant

:-)