Monday, July 17, 2006

Church of the poisonous mind

The truffles still unsniffed by the finest snouts in the blog forest are: 3, 'Computer Song' by bowler-wearing bedsit maestro Jim Noir; 4, 'I'm Waking Up To Us' by Belle and Sebastian (allegedly about the breakup of Stuart Murdoch and the adorable Isobel Campbell, left); 17, the fi-doesn't-get-much-lo'er 'You're So Great', possibly my favourite Blur song ever; and 20, 'Blue Jay Way' by some Scouse chancers. I'm surprised nobody got 4 or 20; but even more astonished at the ones you did manage to pin down. Enthusiastic yet chaste handshakes, masking wistful yearnings, to one and all. To Molly, the laurels, and try saying that after five pints.

Anyway, in a packed programme tonight: my old mate Nick (who doesn't have a blog, despite the fact I keep nagging him to start one, so you'll have to make do with his IMDb entry or even his Wikipedia entry) has flagged up the existence of the magnificent CAP Reports site.

It's a Christian thing, intended to warn parents about the horrors coming out of that modern Gomorrah, Hollywood; or, as they put it themselves, "A service to His little ones (which includes at-home teens) through you, their parents and grandparents, in His name by His Word". Inevitably, the likes of South Park ("vulgar and vile") and The Exorcist come in for stern reproach. But Satan lurks in the unlikeliest nooks. Godfearing parents are beseeched to watch out for "torture of a character (gingerbread man)" in Shrek, for example. And that's before we get to the "lies, several" in, uh, Pinocchio.

Despite the fact they're deranged bigots, one can only admire these guys' thoroughness. A single example: in their analysis of American Psycho (which scores an unprecedented zero on their "we don't like it, it's horrid" scale), they note not only the head in the fridge, the bodies in the closet, the chainsaw, the cannibalism and so on; but also "inappropriate touching", "abuse of prescription drugs" and, most heinous of all, "two abbreviations of 'Christmas' without 'Christ'". I feel unclean just typing those words.

One final gem. The review of A Midsummer Night's Dream is prefaced by: "...if you enjoy Shakespearean lingo, you'll like this one. All of the script is in Shakespearean."

And, while I've got you... Bob (St Etienne) Stanley on drugs and art in The Times (note to self: re-read Huxley); Viv Stanshall sings Cliff Richard, courtesy of Bob Swipe; and, thanks to Ms B, a quite extraordinary clip of Morrissey and Marr suffering little children at Kew Gardens (also available here if YouTube is playing up).

Friday, July 14, 2006

25 loved songs

Update: Will put you out of any remaining misery at around 1200 BST today (Monday). 3, 4, 17, 20 still to be identified. Molly leads by a nose from Billy and Betty.

For the weekend, another meme from the ever-fruitful loins of Billy, subsequently picked up by Patroclus and others. Opening lines from 25 randomly (ish) plucked tracks. Name 'em, and the artists. (Two or three of these have opening dialogue, which I've ignored. Some are also cover versions, or have been covered - I'll accept any performer who has actually recorded the song. For one, I'll accept either of two titles.)

1. [In the next world war, in a jackknifed juggernaut] Airbag - Radiohead (Billy)
2. ["Can I have your autograph?" he said to the fat blond actress] New Age - Velvet Underground (Slaminsky)
3. The moment I switch you on, you sing your song, let me know it won't be long
4. I need someone to take some joy in something I do
5. [I know so many people who think they can do it alone] Hang On To Your Ego/I Know There's An Answer - Beach Boys/Frank Black (Geoff) The former title being the one Brian prefers, although they used the latter on Pet Sounds because Mike Love, a twat, didn't like the implied dig at Transcendental Meditation.
6. [Last night I saw Lester Maddox on a TV show with some smartass New York Jew] Rednecks - Randy Newman (Geoff)
7. [Oh the white folks hate the black folks and the black folks hate the white folks] National Brotherhood Week - Tom Lehrer (Will)
8. [If you need some fun, something stereo gum] Radio #1 - Air (Betty)
9. [I can think of younger days when living for my life was everything a man could want to do] How Can You Mend A Broken Heart - Bee Gees/Al Green (Tom L)
10. [I don't have plans and schemes, and I don't have hopes and dreams] Since I Don't Have You - Skyliners, etc (Betty)
11. [I lost my heart under the bridge to that little girl] Down By The Water - PJ Harvey (Billy)
12. [I tried but I could not find a way] Re-Make Re-Model - Roxy Music (Billy)
13. [I can turn a gray sky blue, I can make it rain, whenever I want it to] I Can't Get Next To You - Temptations (Tom L)
14. [Alabama’s gotten me so upset, Tennessee made me lose my rest] Mississippi Goddamn - Nina Simone (PJ)
15. [I’m in love again, been like this before] Love You More - Buzzcocks (Betty)
16. [It isn’t the way that you look and it isn’t the way that you talk] I Close My Eyes And Count To Ten - Dusty Springfield (Molly Bloom)
17. Sad, drunk, and poorly, sleeping really late
18. [Nobody knows what human life is, why we come, why we go] I Will See You In Far Off Places - Morrissey (Ms B)
19. [This place is a fun park tonight, I follow the lights into the town] First Day On A New Planet - Urusei Yatsura (Molly Bloom)
20. There’s a fog upon LA and my friends have lost their way
21. [Down by the docks the talking turned] Come Back - Wah! (Nick Pegg, by e-mail)
22. [Debonair lullabies in melodies revealed in deep despair on lonely nights] When Smokey Sings - ABC (Molly Bloom)
23. [When you see him again, tell him everything you told me] Willing To Wait - Sebadoh (Occasional Poster of Comments)
24. [Though this world's essentially an absurd place to be living in, it doesn't call for total withdrawal] French Disko - Stereolab (Nick Pegg)
25. [Stained, glaucous, glycerine, gold, goat, clover] Word Song - Syd Barrett, RIP (Molly Bloom)

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Don't believe the Web

I just found something slightly bizarre in the Oasis entry on the respected Allmusic site. (Scroll down a little until you get to the list headed "Performed songs by".)

If we can assume that there's some logic behind the ordering of the list, my own authorial contribution to the Reality Show Rutles would appear to be less significant than that of Noel Gallagher or Lennon-McCartney (fair enough) but bigger than that of Gary Glitter or Slade. Or, indeed, Liam.

(There is a mundane explanation for this, and no, it doesn't mean that I have massive royalty cheques rolling in every quarter. Such is life.)

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

The Piper

I'm filled with self-loathing. I have no sense of proportion, no sense of the meaning of grief. At least 100 people have been murdered in a series of bomb attacks in Mumbai. And what's really upsetting me is that bloody Syd Barrett's died.


"It's awfully considerate of you to think of me here
And I'm most obliged to you for making it clear
That I'm not here."


'Jugband Blues' (1968)

By any other name

So, Rose leaves Dr Who and, I'm not ashamed to admit, eyes were not entirely dry at Cultural Snow Towers. I've loved this series (Intertextuality! Sarah Jane! ELO!); although the whole project does induce a sort of wistful melancholy at the thought of what Tom Baker might have been able to do with a half-decent budget and a smidgeon of CGI.

One thought. The last two episodes have established that there are multiple parallel universes, and movement between them is feasible, albeit difficult and unwise. Does this mean pretty much anything is possible? The original series operated on the principle of canonicity, so that if something happened, it happened; it couldn't be contradicted in subsequent stories. This did necessitate increasingly daft explanations as to how Davros was able to reappear, but at least it imposed some sort of continuity, not to mention discipline, on the writers. Oooh, when it looked as if the Brigadier had retired by the time of the Queen's Silver Jubilee, the letters they got!

But now, the Doc can just find himself confronted with something that's logically impossible, say "Oh bum, must have slipped through into a pesky parallel universe again!" and carry on saving the (a?) world. Sounds a bit like cheating to me.

And it means they could even bring back Adric.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

All art is quite useful

The immediate problem with Modernism – Designing a New World 1914-1939, at the V&A, is that the exhibits are united by philosophy, not form. You can be studying a reconstruction of the austere Kleinstwohnung, the German minimal dwelling that everyone was going to inhabit in the utopian, concrete future – and then turn to see Soviet ballet costumes that wouldn’t disgrace the campest of Dr Who villains.

In theory, the two extremes were united by a Modernist ethos that fused art and technology for the improvement of society. However, there was no one, unified Modernist dogma to which everybody who assumed the mantle could adhere. This makes the exhibition slightly confusing, as we hop from Russian films to Chicago skyscrapers and then to a bust of Mussolini that makes him look like one of those ceramic knobs on a power line.

But this incoherence seems to be part and parcel of the time. There’s a photograph of Mies van der Rohe’s monument to the November Revolution, which was destroyed by the Nazis in 1933. But its hard-lined brutality and fuck-you sloganeering – "I AM, I WAS, I WILL BE" – could just as easily have been appropriated by Hitler. Similarly, the assembly-line economics of Henry Ford and FW Taylor, emblematic of 20th-century capitalism, were revered by the Soviet government in the 1920s. These ideas in turn, become the inspiration for film-makers as diverse as Eisenstein, Chaplin and René Clair, with humans turning into disembodied components of what the Futurist architect Sant’elia dubbed "the urban machine".

It’s not all doom and dystopia, though. One snippet we pick up is that the Bauhaus organised, of all things, a weaving course, and Paul Klee and Wassily Kandinsky were both tutors on it. Loomcraft aside, which one of them finished the last custard cream in the staff room, one wonders. (Kandinsky, incidentally, has his own show at Tate Modern, documenting his movement from representation to abstraction. It’s good, but slightly pointless, because on the evidence here, he never went fully abstract, in the way Rothko or Pollock did. There’s always something that looks a bit like a cannon, or a penis, or a couple riding the log flume at Alton Towers, that penetrates the chin-stroking with a giggle of recognition.)

Like Kandinsky, it seems, the Modernists never quite had the courage of their own convictions. One of the last sections is devoted to the Highpoint buildings in Hampstead. The architect, Bernard Lubetkin, occupied the penthouse in Highpoint 2, but despite his nominal adherence to Mies van der Rohe’s "Less is More" credo, he decorated his abode with garish images from Pollock’s toy theatres and the weirdest manifestations of marine life. If your best aesthetic intentions have been hijacked by Fascism, Stalinism and the wilder excesses of industrial capitalism, maybe Surrealism is the best refuge.

On the other hand, Surrealism could also be a tricky beast. Undercover Surrealism: Picasso, Miró, Masson and the Vision of Georges Bataille, at the Hayward, is an apt if unwieldy title, as Bataille was always at odds with André Breton and his Manifesto gang, the self-appointed bearers of the lobster-flavoured torch. Like the V&A show, it flirts with incoherence by insisting that true Surrealism existed before and beyond those who appropriated the name. It’s a sound point, but it means that we have to get past a 17th-century Abyssinian prayer scroll and photographs from the abattoir at La Villette before we reach the arty bits.

And that’s the point. Bataille was the founder of the magazine Documents, a precursor to the likes of Roland Barthes in that it found meaning in the manifestations of mass culture that, in the 1920s, still slipped under the critical radar. He was as fascinated by the Buster Keaton movie on show by the entrance as he was by what the likes of Breton, Magritte and Tanguy chose to define as art (their own stuff, mostly). No wonder relations were a wee bit frosty.

The rampant eclecticism here means that the works by the headline artists (including some glorious, purple-slashed Mirós) play second fiddle to Bataille’s fixations, notably his obsession with headless forms. Despite the feud, this is something he shared with the paid-up surrealists, as his favourite images of acéphales tie into the Freudian notions of the subconscious imagination bypassing the rational brain; easier, surely, if there’s no brain to bypass.

Bataille’s world view is a real thumb in the eye to the Surrealists because, despite their Dadaist, anti-Art roots, most of them still craved acceptance (not to mention cash) for their ability to put oil on canvas. The two most memorable pieces leap out of that self-imposed box. One is a drawing of giraffes, by André Masson’s nine-year-old daughter Lili. ("A child could do that!" is the philistine response to modern art. To which the obvious retort is, "Of course a child could. But for an adult to be able to do it as well is something special.")

The other is more a happy accident. There are listening posts, allowing vistors to log into the music that soundtracked Bataille’s world. At the end of the day, nobody’s listening; the headphones lie empty, but the music – Stravinsky, Duke Ellington, voodoo rituals – still leaks out, different sounds from different posts, mushing together, fighting and then reaching some sort of equilibrium. It sounds like a thousand drunken bagpipers playing Radiohead, and it’s beautiful.

Two things unite these exhibitions. One is the cheeky perversity of their respective settings: the minimalist functionalism of the Modernism nestling in the camp, imperial finery of the V&A; Bataille’s magpie tendencies occupying the austere, urban lump that is the South Bank.

The other is that the exhibits themselves are mostly of secondary interest. The individual pieces exist to tell a story, to support an idea, a concept; there’s no single work here without which either exhibition would fail. The message transcends the medium, and the most important ‘artists’ at work are the curators. The conceptualists have taken over the asylum.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Couldn't resist it...

A rub-on gel that might become the first over-the-counter remedy for erectile dysfunction is due to go into clinical trials by the end of this year.

The Sexual Dysfunction Association (I bet they have really fun parties) warned: "Only after a careful evaluation will we be able to say whether this is a great tool or not."

(Incidentally, the bloke pictured in the BBC story - not the guy at the left - appears to be rubbing his nose. Is there something I've been doing wrong for the last few decades?)

Also for your delectation: the wonderful world of knitted pop stars (I'm particularly fond of Jimi Hendrix); and a man called Dr Tits.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

A blog of one's own

Following Patroclus' splenetic hatchet job* on Mary Dejevsky's bizarre "women don't blog" piece in The Independent, I had a little word.

Dear Mary,

I'm sure several hundred politics nerds have pointed out that Iain Dale isn't an MP, so we needn't go there. But hey, let's get to the meat of your article.

Yes, there are doubtless practical and/or psychological obstacles that prevent some women from blogging. But we're not in Virginia Woolf country now, Toto. Three great things about blogging as a means of communication are:

1) It's proactive - you can blog in your own time, when you want, how you want. No deadlines; no wordcounts; no editors talling you what's going to appeal to the target market. If you can spare any time whatsoever, you can blog. I've watched a hell of a lot less TV since I started.

2) It has the potential for anonymity. If you feel hindered by any aspect of your 'real' identity, you needn't mention it. Feel inhibited because you're female, black, gay, disabled, old, young? Just don't tell anyone. Or do. It's your call.

3) It requires little or no technical ability. If you're functionally literate, and you can turn a computer on, you can blog.

The first two, I reckon, make blogging a far more attractive mode of communication to some women than, to pluck something out of the ether, print journalism. If you have any spare time at all, even if it's between all the oppressive domestic chores you list, you can do it. And you don't need to prove yourself over and above blokey, beer-swilling hacks with Hemingway complexes. Just do it.

The third might, I suppose, deter some women who've bought into the "women can't do technology" myth, but I reckon that money, education and social class have a much bigger impact here, with gender a distant fourth.

If I might be allowed to hypothesise with little or no solid evidence here - and sorry Mary, your article sets a pretty solid precedent for that - you're yet another old media journalist who feels slightly threatened by blogging without really quite understanding it. Don't worry, you're by no means alone. Even hacks who blog seem to come a cropper (Richard Lloyd Parry at http://timesonline.typepad.com/times_tokyo_weblog/ being a rare exception).

Part of the problem, of course, is that much of the wider world was introduced to blogging by the politics wonks who popped up during the '04 US election. It's a much bigger world than that. If you can spare the time (I presume you too are prone to all the domestic duties that you ascribe to women - if you are a woman - see point 2 above) check out the following: http://capacioushandbag.blogspot.com/; http://thegrammaticalpuss.blogspot.com/; http://quinquireme.blogspot.com/; http://www.slaminsky.blogspot.com/; http://professionalspinster.blogspot.com/; http://bookworld.typepad.com/book_world/.

Then get back to me if you can spot any that seem dominated by childcare and/or gynaecology. I think they're all women. But you never know. See what I mean?

Till then, all the best,

Tim


* Have you ever used a splenetic hatchet? It's like Dr Who's sonic screwdriver, but heavier.