Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Cold comfort

Please excuse me if this post comes flecked with phlegm, but Small Boo and I have both been stricken by some virulent respiratory lurgy, involving much snuffling and hoiking and sinus pain and all manner of similar indignities. All the more reason to regret that my parents have departed for less sunny climes: despite my mum's temporary manual dysfunction, I'm sure she could have rustled up tomato soup and hot buttered toast, her magical cure for all known ailments since I was about three years old. And you thought chicken soup was the kosher penicillin? Meh!

Anyway, since my mystery ague has sapped my attention span along with most of my other bodily functions, I've given up on books for the moment, and taken to studying the packaging on the various proprietary goods we've used to staunch the flow of goop. I'm particularly struck by a warning on the side of a pack of Kleenex anti-viral tissues:

"Directions for Use: It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling. Use only as a facial tissue."

Crikey. So if you find yourself having to jot down a phone number, or maybe even a brilliant idea for a blog post, and the only paper to hand is a Kleenex tissue, can you expect the attentions of an armed-to-the-teeth SWAT team, ready to stick a bag over your head and deposit you in Guantanamo?

And where does this leave the ad agency Euro RSCG, who've released a notebook made out of napkins, for just that sort of creative eventuality? Will they, too, be busted by da Feds? Or will this just spiral into insanity, with Andrex selling packets of leaves, or Nokia offering twigs and matches, so you can send smoke signals when you forget your phone?

Maybe when the antibiotics kick in, this will make sense. But somehow I doubt it.

11 comments:

Annie Rhiannon said...

Is that a picture of Small Boo?

St. Anthony said...

The mind reels at the various and disgusting misuses a box of tissues could be put to.
Stamp it out now, I say.

FirstNations said...

been hitting the dextromethorphan kind of hard, haven't we.

DICK ASSMAN said...

WE SHOULD START A CLUB FOR PEOPLE HOOZ NAMES GO
.1 MONOSYLLABIC ABBREVIATED FIRST NAME
.2 DUOSYLLABIC SECOND NAME;
.a FIRST SYLLABLE A HUMAN BODY PART
.b SECOND SYLLABLE 'MAN'.

IF WE WANTED TO NARROW IT DOWN A BIT MORE, RESTRICT IT TO PEOPLE WITH WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES.

anananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananananan said...

yeah but timfootman sux ass

Ron Bucknigr said...

do youse really in bankogk?

llewtrah said...

But I sometimes use those tissues as loo roll or emergency sanitary towels! Will I get sued?

Tim Footman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Tim Footman said...

Apologies, Llewtrah, if you happened to read that last comment. Some people, it seems, can't distinguish between amusing trollery and advertising their own lack of sexual success on the web. And yes, you'll probably get your ass sued, or even have a cap popped in it.

And for the others:

Annie R: Yes, but she's sorry about the jumper.

Anthony: But surely stamping is also forbidden?

FN: But surely, if you can pronounce 'dextromethorphan' you're not on it?

Tim Footman said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
snarky said...

it is i footman come to seek my alter ego twin shade